And then, suddenly, it happened.
True to her fashion, she went without fuss. She slipped away quietly while lying on the couch watching television. Dad, sitting next to her in his recliner, didn't notice a stir or a gasp. When the movie they were watching ended he said, "Well, that was a good one, huh Bev?"
Mom did not answer. And from that moment on his world changed forever.
It's been 30 days without her and the loss is devastating. Yet somehow, she's with me.
The morning I learned the news I literally walked into a wall after I hung up the phone. I wandered around the quiet house from one room to another, walking up the stairs and down without direction. I was numb, in shock, full of everything and nothing. After a while, I tried to get some sleep. Tossing and turning in bed, newly scared of everything, I heard her voice in my mind. She said, "Don't be scared, baby. I am here with you. Get some rest." I felt comforted and calm. I did what she asked.
Later, there were dreams. Conversations with Ma. I asked her, "Where did you go?" In my slumber she told me, "I didn't go anywhere. I'm right here." I pushed back because I knew she went away. Although she was right in front of me I asked, "Where are you now?" She told me she was just napping, that she was tired.
My little sister, Jennifer, had a similar dream. In her dream Ma was packing to go somewhere. Jennifer anxiously asked her where she was going, why she was leaving. She told me Ma said, "I'm not leaving. I'm here."
We believe her.
All my life I've worn my mother's love like a shield against the scary things in this world. I believe she continues to love and protect us all.
Through my grieving and mourning I realize that Ma has showered me with enough love to last me the rest of my life. Even if she isn't a phone call away, she will forever be a brilliant light in my life: my mom, my best friend, my champion. Every child should be so blessed. She did so much for all of us, no wonder she was tired. And still, somehow, she continues to assure us that she's still with us. She hasn't left. Not really.
Ma, I love you.
See you in my dreams.
3 comments:
God, this just gives me chills, the most beautiful kind. What a marvelous mother you have had, and still have, and how magnificent that dream of your conversation with her is. She is with you still, she will never leave you, I am in tears reading this. I know how bereft you are losing her in the flesh, but oh, how sheltered you still are, and how blessed you are to know it. Sending you so much love and wishes for peace.
Thank you. There have been more dreams. My sister said she talked with Ma last night. It was about our Dad. Ma also threw in a seemingly random remark about Dad wanting pretzels. My sister called Dad today and it turns out he ran out of pretzels the day before and wanted to go to the store to get some. It's as if Ma were throwing that in so we knew the other, bigger stuff was true too. It gave us goosebumps. We can't confirm it with hard evidence, but we believe Ma is with us. She's amazing.
What a beautiful tribute to your mom and the wonderful son she raised.
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